A simple way to let people know how much they mean to you.
Getting news that someone you know is dying can leave you feeling helpless. Writing a letter to them is a simple, beautiful way to show you care. It can help you as much as it helps your acquaintance, friend or family member who is facing their own mortality.
The power of words
Some time ago I undertook intensive training in Narrative Therapy as part of my palliative and end-of-life counsellor qualifications. The idea that our personal stories can be used in a healing capacity appeals to me greatly.
The training facilitator recounted a story of a young man she worked with who had survived horrendous childhood trauma. While undergoing therapy, he recalled a school teacher who had had a positive effect on his life. His teacher was kind and consistent and reliable. As part of his therapy, the young man decided to write to his former teacher and tell him how grateful he was for his teacher’s presence and kindness. The letter prompted the two to meet up, and the teacher was moved to tears to hear of the impact he’d had on someone’s life.
“All this time” he said, “I thought my work as a teacher meant nothing.”
This story reminded me of my time training as a counsellor in a hospice, when I met a dying man (let’s call him Jack) who had just received a letter. Jack’s family had let everyone know that Jack had only six weeks to live. It actually turned out to be only three weeks. Someone from Jack’s past, who was no longer in his present life, heard the news and promptly wrote Jack a letter. The two-page letter was intended as a simple gesture of thanks and praise, but its power extended wider and further than the writer will probably ever know.
When I asked Jack what the letter meant to him he replied, “It means the world.”
As Jack and I continued talking, I came to understand something significant: nobody wants to be forgotten, and in death there is sometimes a part of us that worries that we will be. But implicit in this letter to Jack were the messages: you are loved, I will remember you, you had an impact on me, your life is meaningful.
I cannot describe to you the peace Jack found in the simple gesture tied up in this short letter.
So, to the man who wrote the letter: THANK YOU. That letter made a big difference in Jack’s final weeks. You’ve also made a big difference in the lives of others. You see, I was so moved by what the letter did for Jack that I encourage letter writing (just like you did) for everyone I help as an end-of-life professional.
In your hands
For everyone else reading this, if you would like to organise letters for your loved one, I humbly offer the following wording that might be used in a gigantic email send out. Feel free to edit the heck out of it and make it your own. I’ve capitalised the parts you will need to personalise.
Dear friends and family,
As you are all aware, JACK has recently received the news that his life is limited to a FEW MORE MONTHS. Thank you so much for your caring messages of support and to those who have been able to visit JACK.
Today I would like to ask if you would be willing to write a short message to JACK. I have heard that receiving written messages could be really helpful for JACK. My understanding is that these messages often provide a lot of comfort to people in their final weeks and months.
If you choose to write something for JACK, you may like to consider including something such as:
– a good story you remember about JACK
– something about the time you first met JACK
– a memory of something you learned from JACK
– why you feel grateful for knowing JACK
– something JACK did or said that made you laugh
– recollection of a time JACK helped you in some way
– what stands out to you about JACK’S character
– why you feel like a better person for knowing JACK.
In addition, if you are in a position to do so, it may help to relieve JACK’S worry for MABEL (concerning after he is gone) by letting him know that you will check in on MABEL/look after her/make sure she is okay/be there to support her.
Please do not feel that you must write something. If it’s not possible for you for any reason, please know that that is completely okay. However, if you do decide to write something for JACK, please do so promptly and send your message as soon as possible to:
INSERT YOUR ADDRESS HERE
If you wish to share this request with others who know JACK, please do so.
