Fighting is an inevitable part of any relationship.  It’s impossible to be close to someone and never disagree or experience conflict about anything.  If there is absolutely no conflict in a relationship, then it’s likely that someone just goes along with everything the other wants or suggests, and may also be harbouring resentment.

Despite what we might think, conflict and fighting to some extent is actually quite healthy, but knowing how to engage in conflict with respect will ensure that arguments lead to good outcomes, including growth and understanding.  

However, if the fighting is incessant, frightening, disrespectful, or physical, this is not considered healthy as this type of conflict is unlikely to lead to growth, connection and understanding.  Rather, the partners are probably feeling disconnected, uninvested, and resentful.  This type of fighting can also be dangerous and can lead to long-term emotional, psychological, and physical harm.

Often, bolstering understanding and boosting positive communication skills can be enough to generate meaningful improvements.  In addition, learning the difference and mastering the practice of assertiveness versus aggression is an important part of managing conflict. 

Via couples therapy, partners learn to identify and intervene with the negative interactional cycle that they get trapped in.  It’s not about the content of the argument (be it schools, money, employment, or the layout of the kitchen), it’s the process of how they argue that is the problem.  Once couples learn to manage their own conflict cycles or process, they can effectively and efficiently sort through any content issue in the future.  Good couples therapy will equip the relationship to function well without the therapist.