A common source of loneliness and relationship dissatisfaction is a no sex marriage. For varied reasons, some people find themselves inhabiting such a relationship for months, years, and then decades.  One or both individuals then feel disconnected, shut down, isolated and depressed.  

Building understanding of our personal sexual nature, communication and relationship style is often incredibly helpful for making intimate relationships work. There are also some general differences between the sexual experience of men and women that are usually helpful for people to understand.

As explained by Esther Perel, for men, sex is highly relational.  This means that in a shared sexual experience, their arousal is entwined with visual cues of their partner’s arousal (that is, it matters that she’s turned on) and this reveals how men engage with sex generously (i.e. they care that sex is pleasurable for their partner).  Men also need these visual cues to confirm consensual engagement; they need to know that they are a pleaser, not a predator. In addition, sex is often the main source of emotional expression for men, and therefore highlights that for men, sex is also emotional.  

Women have a more internal reference point for sexual arousal. Women therefore go inward and if they are not turned on from within, it’s not going to happen.  The arousal of the other is of less importance to women, and is therefore not the determinate it is for men.  This is actually a very healthy place for women to be.  Women are often in giving and caring roles (especially within the home), therefore, taking the opportunity to free themselves from tending to others to experience pleasure, is of great benefit.

Often, people interpret sex as existing only within the confines of actual sexual activity.  However, a sexual relationship is cultivated from within a wide range of relational interactions; for example, how we conduct our everyday conversations with one another, how we listen, how we support each other, how we give and receive touch, and how we heal and care for ourselves.  In the words of New York psychotherapist, Esther Perel: “foreplay begins as soon as the previous orgasm ends”.

In no sex marriages, it is usually the case that one person desires and seeks out the sexual contact, whilst the other avoids or rejects the advances.  In these scenarios, individual or couples therapy can be extremely helpful fostering a meaningful sexual relationship.