Tears are more than a sign that we care— they can help us too.
We all have a relationship with tears. Some of us allow them to flow freely, some of us keep them imprisoned inside, and some of us hold them in until such time that we feel it’s appropriate to open the floodgates, usually when there is no one around to bear witness to our grief.
How tears can heal
I have two personal stories— lessons really— about tears that I wish to share with you. They were both defining moments for me.
Lesson number one: honouring other people’s tears
Some years ago, I made a misguided attempt to comfort my then pre-school daughter about an issue that would seem insignificant to her now, but at the time was equivalent to the whole world. As I drove her home, she started to cry during the retelling of a story from her day at pre-school. I couldn’t physically comfort her because I was driving, and she was in her carseat. Maybe it was my own discomfort with this physical restriction that made me say the most illogical words I could muster: don’t cry darling. Yes, I did say that. Let’s just take a moment to allow the foolishness of that to resonate far and wide.
With a level of wisdom that only a child can conjure she declared, “But I need to let it out!”.
My heart sank. She was so right and I was so wrong. She did need to let it out, and crying was the most perfect thing to do. Through crying she honoured her sadness, she met with her grief, and she allowed her body to respond in the most authentic and helpful way it could. It’s funny how such small events become such defining moments.
Lesson number two: honouring my own tears
A few years ago, I participated in a series of intensive meditation retreats as part of my own meditation practice and personal spiritual journey. I developed my meditation practice, but I also went deeper within myself than I ever had before. Coming face-to-face with my authentic self was both joyful and tremendously sorrowful— after all, deep inside we all carry regret, shame, and remorse. As I shared my self-exploration and learnings with my meditation master, I fought back tears as I spoke. One day he said to me, “Why do you hold back your tears? The body knows what to do.”
Apparently, it’s both children and meditation masters who hold wisdom.
Indeed, the body always knows what to do. The body knows how to birth, how to heal, how to grow, to live, and to die, and it knows how to grieve, too.
Tears: an authentic human connection
I recognise tears, both my own and those of others. They are our human calling card for love and support; they are our healing mechanism to soothe and restore our body and mind; and most importantly, they are dutiful warriors who bravely signal the arrival of our finest human quality— our heart. They deserve our validation and deep respect.
In the words of the great American storyteller and writer, Irving Washington: “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”